Once in a thingy

Gadjo's memed me and I'm asked to name 5 things that I've done once in my life which I would never want to do again.

The spirit's willing but I'm struggling. There are lots of things that I've done a few times, or rather a lot, that if I had any sense I should never do again. Ever. And there are quite a few things I've done once that I'd like to do again a few times. But most of my regrets are about sins of omission not commission. I could cheat by going along the lines of "I chose not to..." but no, let's try and go by the spirit of the thing.

#1 Wearing eye shadow. I was young. I was going to a party with a friend. She suggested it and I was too daft to stick to my guns. It wasn't a good look. We stopped off at a dead rough pub for a drink en route. She reckoned I'd pulled. I reckoned I was lucky to get out of the place.

#2 Looking after a gerbil for somebody. Not the most charismatic or intelligent of rodents the gerbil. Oh yes, they're picturesque in a big-eyed Disneyworld sort of a fashion, but they don't have the character of a rat, mouse or hamster or the avuncular charm of a guinea pig. And they are crap parents. The owner didn't even know the thing was pregnant so I didn't have to account for the aftermath of the births, thank God. Every morning began with my having to remove the evidence of the night's infanticides. Yuck.

#3 Going to a Stockhausen concert. I only went because a friend was in the orchestra and was extremely stressed about the whole business and needed some moral support. I should have left the poor fool to his own fate. I knew and loathed one of the pieces on offer already. An explanation of the graphic score for a second piece should have given me the opportunity to bail out. Finding out that one of the most inarticulate-but-posy denizens of the Junior Common Room was the conductor should have been the clincher. But no. I was a Good Friend. I went. At one point I wondered if I should eat my own spleen.

#4 Riding at speed along a mountain pass on the back of a flatbed truck, sitting on a pile of window glass. We were doing fieldwork in the mountains of Sicily. The locals were lovely and always asked if we wanted a lift when they found us walking down the road. We spoke little Italian. Well, none really. They had a similar grasp of English. But we got by. One day we were about three miles away from our usual haunt and not especially enjoying the trek back along a stereotypically windy mountain road. To our right there was a sheer wall of rock. Immediately to the left of the road was a cliff drop of about ninety feet. And lots of scary blind bends, with the knowledge that at some stage we'd be meeting one of the local friendly lunatic drivers. Luckily, the first one we met was going our way. Did we want a lift? Yes please! Jump in the back of the lorry. Jump. Shit. He was the local glazier. We sat on the glass, leaning forward to try to put all our weight in our legs and balancing precariously as the truck lurched round the mad corners at about sixty m.p.h. Scary.

#5 Buy a house seen only in daylight. = Buy a vacant house owned by a policeman. Week one in the house involved getting the electricty and gas switched back on and the lavatory undisabled. And we'll draw a veil over the central heating.

The rules say that I have to pass the meme on to another five people. So I will: any of you who fancy playing with this meme can blame me if you want.

Don't have nightmares...