Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The bits they cut out of The Lovers' Guide, part one

For all you sexual athletes out there...

Friday, February 24, 2012

Something for the weekend

It's a cold and wet Winter's day in Helminthdale and I;m actually happy to be getting back to the workplace when I bump into Walter Brimsdyke, The Borough Environmental Health Officer. He has my sympathy already.

"It's always a bloody Friday afternoon, isn't it? And it's always when it's bloody raining isn't it?"

I strain three face muscles not smiling: I know what comes next...
"They bloody ring up and say: 'I'm very worried about that dead sheep up on the tops. It's been there all week...'"

It's always a bloody Friday afternoon...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

More good reasons for not writing that one over there...

An after-works drink with Ken Barmy at The Duck and Pullet.

For the past decade and a half we have shared stories of the black and bleak madnesses of the running of public libraries and laughed uproariously at the absurdity of it all.

We found nothing to laugh at in the climate of the day.

Friday, February 17, 2012


If ever I get round to writing a book I shall call it: "Tales Of The Greased Anaconda"

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Hearts and flowers

"Gentlemen: give her a Valentine's Day she'll always remember: forget to buy her a card" -- Viz Top Tips

It's a funny thing to realise The Small Object of Desire and myself have been knocking about together for over a year now.

It's been a bit of a learning curve for both of us. I know now that there is no right answer to "Am I getting fat?" (The least worst answer seems to be: "Do you want this bar of chocolate?") And I hope she learns some day that if she's giving me a lift part way to work then I really don't care about getting out in The Right Parking Space in the car park we're not stopping at when I'm going to miss the bus because we've passed three bus stops and drove on by. (We won't mention "Dancing On Ice." Because I am a gentleman.)

The similarities between us are sometimes alarming. At some stage in the relationship we'll be able to arrange things such that we'll be sleeping at the house where the milk, bread and breakfast cereal are (the usual trick is to have the milk at her house and the cereal at mine, twenty miles away). And our finickitiness makes cooking ia challenge: I won't eat chicken or sea-life and she won't eat beans or anything green that isn't spinach or corned beef.

But we seem to be coping…

Saturday, February 11, 2012

R.I.P. Charlie

Tremendously sad to hear that Charlie Callahan (Professor B. Worm) has passed away. His occasional quiet words of support were always appreciated.