Friday, April 16, 2010

By their junk mail we shall know them

I'm sorry to harp on, but...

Here I am at the peak of manliness, able to leap tall buildings with a single bound and sometimes able to heave myself up off the sofa unattended. I expect I match up to no end of testosterone-rich demographics and I even take the rubbish out to my own dustbin. All this is of no avail when it comes to impressing the young postlady. Does my morning mail include invitations to goat-tethering parties in the realms of the man-eating tiger? Glossy brochures advertising world-saving adventure with chaps in brogues? Moustache wax catalogues?

No, no and no again.

This morning we have:

  • Invitations to subscribe to:
    • The Oldie
    • Women's Realm
    • Buchan's Football Monthly
  • A catalogue telling me that "It's never too warm to wear Damart!"
  • Fliers for:
    • Tonic Wine
    • The Whitley Bay Tourist Board
    • The Help the Aged Rent-a-Commode Service
    • Remedial assitance for erectile disfunction (this last in green ink in trembly handwriting)

A lad can have no illusions these days.


Lulu LaBonne said...

Was the last one that you wrote?

Ellis Nadler said...

What's wrong with green ink?

fairyhedgehog said...

If you just put your address up online then we can all send you invitations to our next round of goat-tethering parties.

Gadjo Dilo said...

No fliers for a local hot-water-bottle reconditioning service?

Pat said...

I'd love a Damart catalogue.

Charlie said...

At least you get mail.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Lulu: cheeky!

Ellis: in the public sector it's one of the warning signs that you want somebody else to deal with the correspondence.

fairyhedgehog: I shall send a native runner over with my address in a cleft stick.

Gadjo: no, I think they're over-run with business in Devon.

Pat: be careful what you wish for - they send about three a week, plus "you may have won £10,000" promotions.

Charlie: 'tis true, there are some consolations in life.

Gaw said...

...assistance for erectile disfunction sounds quite a saucy offer. Manual, oral or mechanical, I wonder?

Kevin Musgrove said...

Gaw: with handwriting like that I didn't dare investigate

Scarlet Blue said...

The other day I found myself desiring products from the Scotts of Stow catalogue.
The heat and light ceiling fitting appealed. It's a slippery slope that leads to the big book of Stannah Stairlifts.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Scarlet: this homestead includes its fair share of products from Scotts of Stow. And Nauticalia.