Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Feeling left out

It occurred to me that:

  • I hadn't been stopped and searched by the bogeys under the Anti-Terrorism Act;
  • My wheelie bin hasn't been microchipped under the Retention of Information Provisions Act;
  • My house isn't on Google Street View;
  • I'm not an illegal immigrant, a director of a failed bank or an MP on fiddled expenses;
  • I haven't slept with Paris Hilton or Russell Brand, nor been linked romantically with a reality television "star;"
  • Sensational dramas about my life have not been featured in Heat magazine, OK or World Weekly News;
  • I have not been featured in a kiss'n'tell expose in The News of the World;
  • I have not been erroneously charged with driving a vehicle I don't own down a street I don't know; and
  • My agents aren't bigging me up to Real Madrid.

I must be a great disappointment to my parents.


Jimmy Bastard said...

Congratulations Kevin, you've just qualified to join the few remaining normal people left in the UK.

We meet every second Thursday in the car park at Tesco, just off the A1 at Carlisle. Wear something bland so that you don't stand out.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Actually... Ha! No! I've appeared on a game show... so I must be a success [I came last though... but they gave me a mug and a T-shirt to mark the occasion]
I'll be at the Tesco car park then..

savannah said...

and there you are living in the capital of CCTV, sugar! don't look up! xoxox

Gaw said...

But you're a blogger, and apparently this is where the revolution will happen. I look forward to you posting from the barricades across Dean Street.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Jimmy: I've got my Bri-Nylons pressed and ready. I'll be carrying a copy of The Weekly News.

Scarlet: are you sure that was a mug?

Savannah: in all seriousness, the police helicopter has been circling the area for the past three-quarters of an hour. It's part of their 'visible policing' programme. It's obviously cheaper and greener to have the chopper make a nuisance of itself all night every night across the town than to have a few bobbies on the beat.

But Gareth, I have been blogging from the barricades and a damn lot of good it's done anyone!

Red Squirrel said...

Being normal is incredibly underrated. Congratulations are in order!

Lulu LaBonne said...

I Think your career as Dame Thora Hird's body double must give you some esteeem in your parent's eyes.

Is that dogging that you'll be doing at Tesco? Would you like me to send the News of the Screws round?

KAZ said...

Don't worry Kevin - I saw that photo of you in last night's Manchester Evening News competing in the Naked Morris Dancing Championship.
Can't wait for the video.

Madame DeFarge said...

Kevin - all of these things can be arranged with a word in the right ear (the left one is partially deaf to such entreaties). There's still time to make something of your life.

Tazeen said...