Prognostications

My father insisted all weekend that the weather was going to become milder and calmer and lovelier because some local weatherbod had reported that this would be so in the local paper and he's got it right so much more often than the Met. Office and blah-de-blah. I still insisted that he prepared his Soviet Navy surplus string long johns and Damart singlet ready for action. An easy forecast as I'd been watching the frost cloak my brother's car as we were talking.

All the usual media outlets have been pouring out forecasts of the year to come and how right they were this time last year so I thought I'd have a go at the old weasel-gazing.

Old Kev's predictions for 2009

1. The government will announce that they have tackled the Daily Mail crisis du jour by announcing that they will be looking into review the steps and processes of a policy overview with a view to making an announcement about the steps that review will be taking to establish what announcement should be made.


2. Newspapers will be full of photographs of snow/ice/hail/frost with headlines like "BRR!" "COLDEST DAY OF THE YEAR" and "BRITAIN SHIVERS." The news copy will omit to point out that it is winter time and we are north of Stalingrad.


3. The collective British unconsciousness will come to the conclusion that a "reality TV star" isn't very nice and is, in fact, a bit pushy.


4. Newspapers will have photographs of young ladies in bikinis frolicking on beaches with the implication that it is unseasonably warm. In August. The headline "COR WHAT A SCORCHER!" will be pretended to be Postmodernist Irony.


5. Sir Alex Ferguson will claim that his Rice Krispies are conspiring to cheat Manchester United from its rightful place as Only Team Allowed To Win Football Matches, Whether Or Not It Actually Bothers To Get Onto The Pitch. He later claims that the Bible deliberately misquoted him to make him look paranoid and he refuses to talk to God any more.


6. A nation groans as Richard Branson announces that he's starting a new venture to deliver a brand new service to a nation that's had to endure a bad old service because the companies involved don't have his talent for meeting the needs of the customer.


7. One or other newspaper owned by people who live abroad with revenue income from the pornography business that is exempt from taxes because the company is registered as a donkey sanctuary in the Sargasso Sea will bemoan the impact of scrounging foreigners on British society and the collapse of traditional family values.


8. The whole British transport network will grind to a halt due to leaves on the line/frozen points/melting tarmacadam/strong winds across the slip road at Newport Pagnoll.


9. A sportsman sets a new world record for the transition between Plucky Newcomer via Set For The Top to Disappointing Neverwas with a time of 15.6 seconds, allowing for wind assistance.


10. We'll do it all again next year, so long as the hamsters from Mars don't turn out to be real after all.