Saturday, January 05, 2019

On the twelfth day of Chrimbo…

On the twelfth day of Christmas… Oh why did I ever start this?


Fuck me sideways, it's the Easter Hamster already and we haven't even weaned the vicar off the Warninks yet.

Don't forget to put on the sprouts.

Friday, January 04, 2019

On the eleventh day of Chrimbo…

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Theresa May joining in the "Guess The Size Of The Invisble Man's Left Testicle" game at the Abattoir Road Conservative Club, Helminthdale. 

She evidently knew him well before he had the operation.

Thursday, January 03, 2019

On the tenth day of Chrimbo…

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Tickets to see Mrs Threadgold and her Brownies in their adaptation of "Moomins Winter Follies."

Never again.


Wednesday, January 02, 2019

On the ninth day of Chrimbo…

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Britain's rail operators justifying yet another eye-watering rise in fares by pointing at all the investment in new rolling stock.

Tuesday, January 01, 2019

Happy Thingy Year!

Och, it's Hogmanay!

 

 Let's hope 2019 behaves itself. Play nice, be good, take care.

On the eighth day of Chrimbo…

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


A DVD featuring Nelson Frimbley's rather disturbing impersonation of Mickey Mouse.

Monday, December 31, 2018

On the seventh day of Chrimbo…

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


A Hannigan's Truss Boutique patented "Discreeto" portable, wearable commode.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

On the sixth day of Chrimbo…

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


A reminder of two more who passed from us in 2018. As if this year wasn't shitty enough.

Saturday, December 29, 2018

On the fifth day of Chrimbo…

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Theresa May's Hostile Environment

Friday, December 28, 2018

On the fourth day of Chrimbo…

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Take That's 30th Anniversary Album



Thursday, December 27, 2018

On the third day of Chrimbo…

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


A visit from the shy aunties.



Wednesday, December 26, 2018

On the second day of Chrimbo…

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Boxing Day football.


Tuesday, December 25, 2018

On the first day of Chrimbo…

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Marmite sprouts.

Monday, December 24, 2018

Christmas trifles


"The Met Office has issued a Yellow Warning for fog," I explained to the cat. "The bearded chap might not be able to come tonight." It's an attempt to let her down gently. I haven't the heart to tell her that James Robertson Justice is dead.


Sister Conchita Ignatia, late of the Sisters of the Aggressively Virginal, called round for her Christmas box. I was down for the count after two minutes. It took a good dose of the sal volatile before I was in any state to face the carol singers.


Have a cool Yule.



Friday, November 02, 2018

Covers

We all had our exercise books covered in wallpaper. 

You got looked down on if you used woodchip wallpaper. Even more if you used old bits of brown paper, especially if it had come off a parcel from the butcher. Except for Billy Humphries. In his case we were never sure whether the blood was human or not. The posh kids had vinyl wallpaper in contemporary designs and were all superior about it. So Darren Cladthorpe pinched a book of wallpaper samples from the hardware shop and sold them to us at a penny-ha’penny a go and that put a stop to the nonsense. 

Why did we have to wallpaper our exercise books? The official reason was: “To keep them clean and tidy.” The real reason was because we’d all scribbled on the front cover. Every single one of us, even the Violet Elizabeths. Printed on the front cover of every exercise book, on the bottom right-hand side, was the inscription:

LANCASHIRE
EDUCATION
COMMITTEE

Five minutes after they got their new book every kid in our class had changed this to:

           LANCASHIRE gives
           EDUCATION to its
           COMMITTEE who are dim

So we had to wallpaper our exercise books. 

This was a shame because on the back cover they printed the answers to the really hard questions in tests. Lots and lots of tables of Avoirdupois weights and measures. Proper weights and measures in the old money. 

When schools went metric they changed the back covers but there wasn’t a lot of point because once you realised that any 100 centisomethings made a whole something it applied across the board. Something even teacher twigged after a few months. 

Proper weights and measures, they were more complicated because they applied to the real world, not just counting on your fingers. There was a natural consistency and flow to it. So twenty scruples made an ounce, sixteen ounces a pound, fourteen pounds made a stone, eight stones or one hundred and twelve pounds made a hundredweight and twenty hundredweight made a ton. Simple. 

It got a bit confusing sometimes, though. Fancy calling something “a rod, pole or perch!” Which one was it? “Miss, miss, is it a rod, a pole or a perch?” “No, it’s a rod, pole or perch.” Five and a half yards made one rod, pole or perch. Tommy Ecklestone said it must have been a blooming big budgie. (He was demoted from being milk monitor for that.) Four rod, pole or perches made a chain and there were eighty chains to the mile, or eight furlongs if you want, and one hundred and sixty square rod, pole or perches made an acre so it was all dead straightforward. 

Then there were cubits… “Miss, miss, what’s a cubit?” “It’s the length of Henry II’s forearm,” she said. We were baffled. Who was Henry II? We knew he wasn’t in our class because he didn’t say “Yes miss” when teacher was calling the register. But we’d know him when we saw him. Because he had four arms.