Saturday, April 20, 2019

Roses

I buried my mother today.

Quite literally, I buried my mother. The ceremonials had been done and dusted a few weeks ago and today I placed her ashes in the bottom of a big tub in my father's garden, covered it with compost and planted over it a rose bush that my aunt had bought as a memorial for her. I asked my father if he wanted to say a few words but he said that he'd do it as and when they came to him on his own as he pottered about the garden. Which is more than fair enough.

I'd made the mistake of telling the ex-small object of desire that both parents would probably outlive the rest of us. A couple of weeks later and both were visited upon by the nasty chest infection that was going round. My dad was laid low at home and my mum had to go into hospital. One day she was at in a ward eating cottage pie and trying to play a tune on the oxygen monitors. A couple of days later she was critical on a ventilator. On her last day she had enough strength to be fed a bowl of leek and potato soup and some grapes, and lots of cups of tea. We managed to get the immediate family round to say goodbye, which was a consolation.

When I was making the funeral arrangements I gave my brother the job of coaxing a choice of three pieces of music out of my dad. In the end the choice was good: "Jesu Joy Of Man's Desiring," Mama Cass singing "Dream A Little Dream of Me," and the Beatles' "In My Life."

The other day I dreamt I was doing the reading at my own funeral. It was all rather lovely and I woke up with a tear-stained pillow. These were the three pieces of music:




Be kind to each other.

Saturday, January 05, 2019

On the twelfth day of Chrimbo…

On the twelfth day of Christmas… Oh why did I ever start this?


Fuck me sideways, it's the Easter Hamster already and we haven't even weaned the vicar off the Warninks yet.

Don't forget to put on the sprouts.

Friday, January 04, 2019

On the eleventh day of Chrimbo…

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Theresa May joining in the "Guess The Size Of The Invisble Man's Left Testicle" game at the Abattoir Road Conservative Club, Helminthdale. 

She evidently knew him well before he had the operation.

Thursday, January 03, 2019

On the tenth day of Chrimbo…

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Tickets to see Mrs Threadgold and her Brownies in their adaptation of "Moomins Winter Follies."

Never again.


Wednesday, January 02, 2019

On the ninth day of Chrimbo…

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Britain's rail operators justifying yet another eye-watering rise in fares by pointing at all the investment in new rolling stock.

Tuesday, January 01, 2019

Happy Thingy Year!

Och, it's Hogmanay!

 

 Let's hope 2019 behaves itself. Play nice, be good, take care.

On the eighth day of Chrimbo…

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


A DVD featuring Nelson Frimbley's rather disturbing impersonation of Mickey Mouse.

Monday, December 31, 2018

On the seventh day of Chrimbo…

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


A Hannigan's Truss Boutique patented "Discreeto" portable, wearable commode.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

On the sixth day of Chrimbo…

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


A reminder of two more who passed from us in 2018. As if this year wasn't shitty enough.

Saturday, December 29, 2018

On the fifth day of Chrimbo…

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Theresa May's Hostile Environment

Friday, December 28, 2018

On the fourth day of Chrimbo…

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Take That's 30th Anniversary Album



Thursday, December 27, 2018

On the third day of Chrimbo…

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


A visit from the shy aunties.



Wednesday, December 26, 2018

On the second day of Chrimbo…

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Boxing Day football.


Tuesday, December 25, 2018

On the first day of Chrimbo…

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…


Marmite sprouts.

Monday, December 24, 2018

Christmas trifles


"The Met Office has issued a Yellow Warning for fog," I explained to the cat. "The bearded chap might not be able to come tonight." It's an attempt to let her down gently. I haven't the heart to tell her that James Robertson Justice is dead.


Sister Conchita Ignatia, late of the Sisters of the Aggressively Virginal, called round for her Christmas box. I was down for the count after two minutes. It took a good dose of the sal volatile before I was in any state to face the carol singers.


Have a cool Yule.