"Why yes," said Clare, "which song is it?""That's What You Are.""That's What You Are? I don't know that one.""Oh, you must do. It's been on the radio and everything.""Well, can you sing a bit of it and I'll see if I can pick it up?"
Friday, December 31, 2010
Unforgettable
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Taking stock
- Time is a factor. As I've said elsewhere, there's only so often you can complain about a repetitive failure before the complaint becomes a repetitive failure in itself. Our train services are lamentable; icy pavements are slippery; some library managers couldn't run a bath - how often do these things need saying? Once, if at all. So the bar needs to be constantly reset.
- I've lost my anonymity - I now have an audience. That's sounds a bit ungrateful; I don't mean it to be, I'm pathetically grateful that anyone bothers to pass by and have a read. It's just that there's a lot more freedom in scribbling on the wall of a virtual bus shelter for your own amusement. I'm more than happy to concede that freedom in return for the interplay and commentary.
- And this is the one I've been hedging round: I really have lost my anonymity. Over the past year, both as Kevin and the bloke he masquerades as in real life, I've been taking down walls. I'll be honest: for me that's very scary indeed. I live with the constant fear of the Wizard of Oz moment where somebody pulls back the curtain and says: "oh look, it was only him all along." Hence all the flannel and walls and barriers and stuff. Well, some of you I'm friends with in real life; some of you are cyberbuddies with both of us; and some of you even know what address to use should a world-wide glut of dancing ladies need to be distributed to the poor. You'll have to forgive me for being nervous about that, it's in my nature. But I absolutely wouldn't change it, thanks for being friendly.
Friday, December 24, 2010
An old bloke's memories of Christmas
Monday, December 20, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Yuletide log
"I hate Xmas ComplimentsI hate Festive CheerMy Yuletide Log has meltedInto Yuletide Diarrhoea"
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Styx
"Knees a bit dodgy," I explained."Probably sensible in this weather," they replied.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Experiments in sound
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Grey Sunday
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Slush
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Movember
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
New balls please
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Barren wastes
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Secret ingredients
- She must be able to cope with being surrounded by books. Quite a lot of books. By any objective measure rather too many books, but she wouldn't say so.
- She would need a love of old black and white movies. At the very least she would be delighted by a Pabst double bill or a season of RKO horror movies.
- One of us needs to be able to drive. It isn't me.
- She would need to be able to cope with the fact that for all the talk and blather I am, allegedly, one of the world's most uncommunicative men.
- Freckles would be nice.
- She would be able to remind and coax without my deciding I was being nagged.
- I have views on the heptagon formed by a woman's nape, shoulder girdle and spine...
- ...and the jugular angle of a lady's jaw.
- She would be a good cook but would allow me my moments in the kitchen.
- And she would laugh easily at the daftest of things. We would giggle uproariously at the small ads in the paper.
Friday, November 05, 2010
Something for the weekend
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Like you do
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Dabbling in the leafmould
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Autumnal
"Do you know what your son just said to me?" she asked my dad. I know I'm in deep shit when I'm "your son" or "your brother."
Sunday, October 17, 2010
All muck and cobwebs
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Chiding
Monday, October 11, 2010
Waiting for the wardrobe
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Tripe
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Les parapluies de Manchester
A random selection of music to do the washing up by threw this one up as the first song.
Don't forget your wellingtons.
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Sunspots
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Overcast
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Damsons in distress
- A dozen or so damsons
- Some vegetable oil
- A small red onion
- Two or three hot green chilis (Jalapeno or, if you're up for it, the hot sweet ones that you get in Asian markets)
- A good-sized lemon
- Cinnamon
- White wine vinegar
Friday, September 17, 2010
Mystery tour
"We will shortly arrive at Lancaster. This train will then become the service to Bahrein and Morecambe."
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wonderland
Friday, September 03, 2010
The Blue Lamp
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Learning with father
"Daddy, what's that blue light for?""That shows when there's an emergency.""What's the green light for?""That's an ejector seat.""Oh. Then what's that red light for?""When that's on you can talk to the driver and he'll tell you off for pressing that big red button on the door.""What happens if you press it and ask him for sweeties?""He tells you to fuck off."
Monday, August 30, 2010
Interlude
- "My Little Ukelele," a nice, but definitely not slavish, George Formby number.
- "UFO Shanty," not trad. arr. Grainger. Come on, K9!
- "Cats Don't Like The Rain," one of my favourites. I think the music's beautiful and the lyrics sneak up on you.
- "Down That Road," inspired by all those Inspirational Ballads, complete with cynically-manipulative descending chords, that used to get sung all the time by blokes with lots of teeth on "Stars On Sunday."
- "Mississippi Moon," has a very obviously Stan and Ollie vibe with touches of Leroy Shield's incidental music which then lurches into the vocal equivalent of a Krazy Kat Kartoon.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Still on the subject...
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
The mirror crack'd
"I mean," said the girl, "if you had a girlfriend like that would you go an sleep with a prostitute?""I dunno," said one of the lads, "she looks a bit ropey in that picture.""She's upset, she's not going to be looking her best.""Well, I dunno..."
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Operation Errol Flynn
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Biting the hand that feeds you
Friday, August 13, 2010
Nuts in August
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Dating
Friday, August 06, 2010
Let's parler franglais
"Voulez-vouz donnez-moi un ton de nutty slack."
"Certainments, madame, do you want it a la carte or cul de sac?"
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Drizzly
Monday, July 26, 2010
Pop idol
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thermidor
Heroes and villains
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The evil of banality
Mischance
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Magpie 23
"And what is this?" he asked. Dumb, really, but there you go."It's a fire extinguisher," I explained."No, sir, it is not!" he declaimed. I think it was declaimed, it was certainly something beginning with D whatever it was."No, honestly, it is. If you look, it even says so on the label. The lettering's very distinct.""No, sir, it is not a fire extinguisher. It is an anachronism.""I'm pretty OK with anachronisms," I pointed out."This is not just an anachronism. It is a dangerous anachronism."
"No, it's definitely a fire extinguisher. It's got instructions on what to do in case of a fire and everything.""It is a fire extinguisher that you fill with water," he spat. He could have filled the blessed thing with two sentences. "That makes it dangerous. It would be deadly in the case of an electrical fire.""Would it help if I promised not to set fire to any electricity?""It would not. What is it doing here?""Well, actually, I'd bought it for decorative purposes rather than in case of fire.We've a perfectly serviceable fire extinguisher on the wall over there and I've been fully trained in the procedure for running screaming out of the building if anyone so much as lights a cigarette, so we didn't need another one except for decoration.""Decoration?""Yes. An objet d'art. Or, more properly, an objet trouvé.""Objet trouvé? And where did you find this thing?""In the window of an antique shop. They were having a sale.""This is intolerable! What if some unsuspecting person thought that this was for real? There could be a disaster.""There's only you and me who ever work here. I know not to use it and you wouldn't use it even if it were in full working order. So where's the problem?""And where would you have this abomination for safekeeping?""I rather thought it would do over there by the roll-top desk, along with the sit-up-and-beg Imperial typewriter, the Bakelite telephone and Mrs. Edna Putiss.""Mrs. Edna Putiss?""Yes, she followed me here from the bus station. Can I keep her?"
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Drips
Friday, July 16, 2010
Old black magic
- A pound or so of blackcurrants
- Two or three or four chopped cloves of garlic
- A chopped shallot, or a couple of chopped silverskin onions, or you can cheat and cop up a couple of pickled onions, which is what I'd have done had I been planning this
- Oil for cooking; I used extra-virgin olive oil because that's what was on the worktop
- White wine vinegar
Sunday, July 11, 2010
When Diana Dors ruled the world
"Dinosaurs were very, very big," she said."Yes they were," he agreed."They were HUGE. And very, very fierce. Dinosaurs were very, very big and really fierce.""Ooh yes.""I've seen a dinosaur's bones. I saw a dinosaur skeleton. We went to the museum and we saw a dinosaur skeleton. It was huge. And I touched its claw. But it was all right because it was only the skeleton.""Very good. Did it have big teeth as well?""It had very big teeth. But I wasn't scared: there aren't any dinosaurs any more. They died out. They all died out a long, long time ago.""Well, that's a relief, isn't it?""It must have been very scary when you were a little boy, with all those dinosaurs running around."
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Fantastic Farewell
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Friday, July 02, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Herbidaceous
- Some extra-virgin olive oil
- Some garlic (probably a couple of cloves) not especially finely-chopped, it'll be flavouring the sauce but also providing the texture
- A couple of button mushrooms if you really must
- Two large handfuls of marjoram, tear off the leaves and chop the stems up finely
- A large handful of mint (a small handful if you're like me and have been lucky enough to have some black mint growing in the garden), tear the leaves up and chop the stems very finely
- A handful of shelled walnuts
- Pasta of your choice
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Probably being too honest for my own good
"So why aren't you married?" she asked."I like being miserable on my own and I haven't found anybody who would want to be miserable with me.""Oh well. If you just want miserable you may as well get yourself a baby. They're dead miserable, honest. All they do is cry and scream and eat and cry and poo and cry a bit more. And they wake you up in the middle of the night so that they can cry and scream and poo.""I've known women like that," I admitted.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Click
Monday, June 21, 2010
R.I.P.
In an interview in London I was once asked what was the best cultural event I'd ever been to. I answered that I'd seen Shakespeare in Stratford; von Stroheim in Edinburgh; opera, dance and all sorts of theatre but the single best cultural event I'd ever been to was a Frank Sidebottom gig in a working men's club in Timperley. The audience were all grown-ups with all the cares of the world about their shoulders but for a couple of glorious hours they were allowed out on licence and were eight years old again, laughing and singing and joyful in their tomfoolery.
This is by way of an entirely inadequate thank-you.
Godspeed, Chris.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
From the observatory
My small niece has an unerring sense of logic. She is also cursed with her uncle's gift of commentary.
She had popped in at my parents' house, as is her wont, to cadge rather a lot of toast off my dad. And a bit of cheese please. And some more toast.
"You know how my dad supports Man City..." she said, "well, I support them, too. But I shouldn't really, should I? When I came out of my mummy's tummy I was in Middlesborough, so I should support Middlesborough, shouldn't I?"
To his credit, my father reassured her that it wasn't compulsory. The child is of mixed parentage - Lancashire and Yorkshire. It's quite funny listening to her talk as she's got her mother's Middlesborough quirks like "cayek" for "cake," but all with our southern Mancunian accent.
A little later, her mother wanted to know why she hadn't eaten her dinner. My dad owned up and got a rollicking for it. As the fur subsided my niece turned to him and said:
"Don't take any notice. Parents get like that when they're old. They go all yaddadadayaddayadda. They can't help it."
Giving the anti-histamines a workout
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friendship
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Domestic
- I shall tell people that the living room window is in that state so that the baby goldfinches don't injure themselves by flying into it.
- I have glared at that spider's web. Twice.
- I have applied Febreeze to the dust on the living room floor. According to the advert on the telly my living room shall now become awash with teenage girls, all giggly and excited. It has to be admitted: the only way I could even manage the energy for so much as a conversation with a roomful of teenage girls would be for me and they both to be under the influence of chloroform.
- Some damned fool thought it would be a good idea to wash the quilt in the bath. Seeing as how this is a single male household there's not a lot of point in having a row about it. It's a hike and a half to the nearest laundrette and there's no buses that way on a Sunday so it's arguably the only way to get it done. Most of the procedure involves beating the quilt with a stick until it stops moving. I did consider steam-cleaning it but then I remember that last time I ended up having to get a new shower curtain rail.
- I may do the washing up.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Don't mention the Armada...
"You can come with us," she tells my mum."No, I can't," explains my mum, "I don't have a passport any more.""You don't need a passport. We're going to English Spain, not Spanish Spain."