Saturday, June 11, 2011

Jumpers for goalposts

Apparently, "Hurray For Santa Claus" isn't a good choice of bathroom serenade on a cold, wet June morning. Aside from that and the fight over the duvet and The Small Object Of Desire's too-strong protestations of innocence of the charge of lusting after Jeremy Clarkson (one of the subsidiary dangers of partnering a petrol head), Railway Cuttings' transition into sultry love nest is going remarkably smoothly. This is remarkable for two reasons: it's been more than a decade since I last shared any space with anybody at all (and quarter of a century since my last foray into co-habitant); and we're both natural curmudgeons of a high order.

There is, however, one dark shadow in this Elysian splendour. It is the matter of sex.

Luckily, we are both still capable in the arts of making love, with the aid of a walking frame and a box of safety matches. Unluckily, there is an issue about foreplay. Round these parts foreplay consists of a beery nudge after "Match of the Day" and the magic words: "How about it lass?" unfortunately, neither of us are beer drinkers (I don't drink at all, come to that) and we're not overly struck on "Match of the Day." We're both quite struck by how much Alan Hansen looks like Captain Scarlet but it's not enough to get the libido going.

We'd quite like the cry of: "Oh He'll, Mark Kermode's on the telly again! Switch it off!" to be the signal for romantic manoeuvres but we worry that this may be beyond the pale societally.

8 comments:

dinahmow said...

Zimmerframe and safety matches? Safety matches???
(And, living in this Outpost of Empire, I had to Google Mr. Kermode.)

Miss Scarlet said...

God, you're right, Alan Hansen does look like Captain Scarlet!
SX

libby said...

'Quick...the kids are out..fancy a firm handshake?' always worked for us years ago.....still use it now and the kids have left home...and was 'Hurray for santaclaus' sung to the hurray for hollywood tune? it is in my head now....

nursemyra said...

Beyond the pale? I don't think so....

Pat said...

Just try to avoid twiddling with bosoms as if you are trying to locate radio 4.

Miss Scarlet said...

Where is the 'like' button to like Pat's comment?
Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

By eerie coincidence, Pat, I made the joke about Radio Hilversum this morning.

web said...

Match sticks are available length size big stick and small stick. Check http://www.apexmatch.com/household-safety-matches.htm